If one more person pops up and says “Heyyyy Shallie, are you totally gonna watch Girls on HBO? It’s, like, soooo up your alley!” I’m gonna freak out.
Is it? Is it really up my alley? Let’s break down what this show is about:
1. Brunettes
New TV star or deranged cat lady desperate for Whiskas?
As a blonde, I have a fierce loyalty to my hair color. I nod along gravely with “Blonde: It’s a Lifestyle” bumper stickers. I have little to no interest in watching a show about mousy-brown girls eeking out an existence in—shudder—Brooklyn. In fact, it was only a few days ago when I realized that the main poster wasn’t just one person in different poses—but five separate people! They ALL LOOK ALIKE. And that is not a compliment. If you’re going to make every character practically indistinguishable from the rest, why not at least pick a hotter prototype?
2. A Writer
The same is said about my plotlines. They're true too.
“Because you’re a writer too, Shallon! Get it?!” Yes. I get it. I too am a writer, the parallel was not lost on me, thanks. But I’m no longer a struggling, destitute writer and—shockingly!—I don’t really care to relive those days of “Where is my life going?” Because—and this really may be a shocker—even with two published books, a TV show, and hefty resume, I still wake up in the night terrified about my career. I really don’t need a reminder of that on my Tivo.
3. Brooklyn
The "urban lumberjack" look on display in BK. Yes, this is a thing.
I hate Brooklyn. Call me a snob if you want—I’m from Orange County, California, being a snob isn’t exactly an insult where I grew up. BK is a smelly, unsafe, hipster douche-filled crapfest of a borough that I only go to when absolutely forced. I realize that a few of you live in BK and it makes me sad because I’m so lazy that we both know I’ll go out there mayyyybe 3x a year. But only if someone promises me cake.
4. Nepotism
Did you know that every single girl on this show has famous parents? Ironic to be in a series about struggling for success when you’ve done the exact opposite with your own career. Shameful.
My mom is a nurse. Just sayin'....
I used to crave a variety of things, from Top Ramen to kale to suntan lotion (to smell, not eat). But over the last few years in New York, all of that desire has been funneled down to a singular, insane, near-constant desire for one thing: Champagne.
I blame this on the ubiquity of events that I go to where passed trays of Champagne is de rigeur. I also blame it on my borderline alcoholism. JK I actually don’t drink that much, mostly because unless I’m at an event, I find every drink fairly unsatisfying.
“Seriously, who doesn’t have Veuve Cliquot in this day and age?!” I’ll fume to the cashier at Madison Square Garden as she shrugs, looking lamely over her Bud Light tap and roasting wieners.
All week, I’ve wanted a glass of bubbly. So imagine my delight when I heard about Flute, quickly doing the math and realizing than $25 x 6 days a week is a great deal to scratch my beverage itch.
Feel free to come join me.
“There are thousands and thousands of people out there leading lives of quiet, screaming desperation, where they work long, hard hours at jobs they hate to enable them to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”
One of my Australian fans doesn’t know if he should confess his feelings to a girl he chats with on Facebook. I give him some help…all in a horrendous adorable Aussie accent. G’day!
My friends and I were talking about how different alcohols effect us in wildly different ways. If Klo and I drink Whiskey we get into a slap fight (all in good fun). This happened before her wedding and she ended up breaking two of my fingers and I gave her a black eye. Unfortunately, if Klo isn’t around I’m inclined to not-in-such-good-fun fight pretty much anyone else.
Tequila and rum make me dance (probably because it reminds me of vacation), Champagne makes me judgy and prissy but wine…well, we all agreed that wine should just be called “crying potion.” Because God forbid any of u get one glass in us (when home, alone, of course) and the tears start.
My friend Katie, who works for a wine company, asked for help naming a new wine aimed at 25 year old girls who are into glammy things like sparkly cell phone covers, lip gloss and air kisses–basically me in a nutshell.
I gave her a slew of ideas, like “LBD,” “Trophy Wife” and “Red Stiletto” but really, I think I’d be the most likely to buy a wine with a more honest name like “Weeping Over Your Ex,” “Facebook Stalking,” “Depressing Beyonce Playlist” or perhaps “I’m Planning a Non-Existent Wedding on Pintrest.”
What would you name a wine if given the chance?
Fighting with friends is infinitely worse than brawling it out with a boyfriend. Dudes come and go, but BFFs are supposed to last…right? Angela doesn’t know if she can–or should–get past a blowout with her bestie. My advice may surprise you…
It’s DANCE SEASON BITCHES!!! My first few school dances were hideous failure that still leaves me with emotional scars. So, I’m hoping to spare you from the same chilling fate…
Sorry I’ve been soooooo MIA you guyzzzz! I went on vacation, etc etc, Miami, blah blah blah rehab.
Anyway! I’m back. As you know, I always say that confidence is the key to attracting your crush. But one fan made a good point: what exactly does being confident look like? Here are some easy ways to make people think you’ve got stellar self esteem…even if you don’t!
As idiotic and clumsy as I am when it comes to love, I actually know a lot about the science behind coupling. Specifically, physical attraction.
 Scarlett as she is (left) and how she'd look if she were perfectly symmetrical |
Beauty isn’t “in the eye of the beholder” and you aren’t “beautiful no matter what they say”–you are beautiful only if you fit into a rather rigid set of parameters including:
- Facial symmetry–almost no one is perfectly symmetrical. But scientists once measured Greta Garbo and declared her symmetrically flawless. You can see why I named my dog after her.
- Glossy lip–reminds men of when, ahem, a lady’s other lips are wet (gross I know)
- Features associated with youth
- shiny long hair
- white teeth
- high cheekbones with flushing high on the apple
Body wise, women should strive for the a .7 waist-to-hip ratio. Tons of famous women have the .7 ratio, from Kate Moss to Jessica Alba to Marilyn Monroe. It doesn’t matter your size or even how busty you are; the golden ratio implies perfect fertility that unconsciously lures men into your clutches.
 Jessica & Kate: skinny but ideal |
The point of all this? I’m a .74 and my new fitness goal is the golden ratio. I’ve calculated that I have to lose about 2 or 3 inches from my waist to be in the zone. I’m kind of at an advantage because my ass is so big.
 Kelly Brook & Shallon: bootylicious and ideal (well, almost, in my case) |
So, if any of you guys have any fitness tips on how to drop inches (without shrinking my butt) please do let me know!
Happy Valentine’s Day, darlings! I get SO many questions from you guys how to go about telling your crush that you have the hots for them. But my advice may surprise you…check it out!
- This is the official home of author and blogger Shallon Lester, star of MTV's new reality hit, "Downtown Girls."
Order Shallon's new book, Exes and Ohs - on sale now!
Same w/my writing. RT @theGregJohnson: The people who worry they might "end up in (my) act" are normally the least amusing idiots.@RoseanneTasci1 so did u ask him out? What'd he say no to?@StacyLondonSays Um, Stacy do you mean you eat your pastries off...a TRAY?! Like a poor person?! My god. Do you even know how to sail?! ;)Been hungover all day, then started googling RHOBH and now all I want is a French martini. Atta girl, Lester!
