Why I Won’t Be Watching “Girls”

If one more person pops up and says “Heyyyy Shallie, are you totally gonna watch Girls on HBO? It’s, like, soooo up your alley!” I’m gonna freak out.

Is it? Is it really up my alley? Let’s break down what this show is about:

1. Brunettes

New TV star or deranged cat lady desperate for Whiskas?

As a blonde, I have a fierce loyalty to my hair color. I nod along gravely with “Blonde: It’s a Lifestyle” bumper stickers. I have little to no interest in watching a show about mousy-brown girls eeking out an existence in—shudder—Brooklyn. In fact, it was only a few days ago when I realized that the main poster wasn’t just one person in different poses—but five separate people! They ALL LOOK ALIKE. And that is not a compliment. If you’re going to make every character practically indistinguishable from the rest, why not at least pick a hotter prototype?

2. A Writer

The same is said about my plotlines. They're true too.

“Because you’re a writer too, Shallon! Get it?!” Yes. I get it. I too am a writer, the parallel was not lost on me, thanks. But I’m no longer a struggling, destitute writer and—shockingly!—I don’t really care to relive those days of “Where is my life going?” Because—and this really may be a shocker—even with two published books, a TV show, and hefty resume, I still wake up in the night terrified about my career. I really don’t need a reminder of that on my Tivo.

 
3. Brooklyn

The "urban lumberjack" look on display in BK. Yes, this is a thing.

I hate Brooklyn. Call me a snob if you want—I’m from Orange County, California, being a snob isn’t exactly an insult where I grew up. BK is a smelly, unsafe, hipster douche-filled crapfest of a borough that I only go to when absolutely forced. I realize that a few of you live in BK and it makes me sad because I’m so lazy that we both know I’ll go out there mayyyybe 3x a year. But only if someone promises me cake.

4. Nepotism

Did you know that every single girl on this show has famous parents? Ironic to be in a series about struggling for success when you’ve done the exact opposite with your own career. Shameful.

My mom is a nurse. Just sayin'....