Leo, on the other hand, is a sparrow-chested little larvae of a man, whose face is an unsettling mix of old and young, like Benjamin Button. Honestly, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if five years from now we find in a playpen demanding to watch Matlock.

Pfft just look at him, clearly running away from that beefier gentleman behind him, flapping those spindly little arms like a helpless penguin.

My point in all this is: Leo was retarded to break up with Bar. I mean sure, her name is Bar and that’s awkward but hey, names can be chanced. I wouldn’t care if my name was Adolf as long as I had those boobs bolted to my chest.

Leo, you’ve made a big mistake. Take some HGH and try to get her back. Trust me.

1. Ted Baker’s Body Con dress

It has a slightly Kardashian vibe since it’s super tight and has strong shoulders. I like it but I’m wondering if it’s too casual?

2. Lipy’s Pleated Sweetheart mini

This actually isn’t the exact dress; for some reason I can’t find a pic of it anywhere. But it’s pretty similar. Mine just has more muted colors with a more lavender tone.

Help me choose!! Cast your vote in the comments section or on Twitter and also help me figure out how to wear my hair. Eeek!

Anyway, Deb and I rocked the same BCBG dress during recent event–me at Amy’s glittering wedding and Debby at the premiere of Prom, some new Disney movie with too much angst and not enough sex. Take a look at both of us and cast your vote for the best dressed!

Shallon:

Debby:

1. The Hipster Jort

The only thing worse than a Brooklynite in the winter is a Brooklynite in the summer, when their lack of deodorant/good taste become woefully apparent. Guys, if you want to have sex with someone besides a fat girl wearing a floral romper with some Etsy-esque haircut, you’ll avoid pretty much everything going on in this picture, from the gaylord jorts to the rapey facial hair.

2. The “I’m a Club Promoter” Jort

Notice how the spindly legs protruding out of these things are white. Can’t you just picture these contraptions on a guy who calls himself Vanilla Thunder and has cornrows and a dodgy “soul patch”? These hideous jorts courtesy of the king of hideous, Ed Hardy. I think a dose of roofies come free with each pair you buy.

3. The Pedo-Jort

By all means, wear micro-jorts this summer. But don’t come cryin’ to me when your life ends up as a template for an episode of Law & Order: SVU.

but…

Is it just me or do her eyes not look purple?

I mean…right? They look blue, don’t they? Maybe I’m taking this purple thing a little too literally. I see some people have described them as violet, which to me has always looked like a shade of blue, not purple. If that’s the case, then I guess this pic (assuming it’s not photoshopped to high heaven) makes a pretty good case for violet eyes:

In any case, she was stunning. Have you seen her movies and actually looked at the size of her waist?? My cocker spaniel had more girth! I guess that’s kind of a Lester trait…

The big hullabaloo about the show wasn’t that it looks like someone let the air out of her behind, it was that she was–gasp!–smoking as she strutted the runway. Um, is this Victorian London? People smoke. Yes, even women. Some women can vote and own land too.

I know right, what is the world coming to?

My grandmother, bless her, gave me one such catalog because…?? I have no idea. Perhaps deep down she knows it’ll be delightful fodder for this blog. If so, Gigi, I thank you.

Prepare to be delighted at the incredible bounty of crap housed within this 68-page Smithsonian of uselessness!