I am totally infected with Christmas spirit, and since I live alone and can clog my Tivo with all sorts of embarassing shows. Such as, every single holiday movie that the ABC Family Channel has to offer. And WOW, what a bunch of festive crap it is! Here are some titles and descriptions. And no, I’m not making these up.

Snowglobe
A snow globe transports a woman (Christina Milian) into a holiday winter wonderland.

Christina is black, yet is supposed to be the Italian daughter of Lorraine Bracco. Because no 2 groups of people say “harmony and peace!” like the blacks and Italians.
 
Holiday In Handscuffs
To fool her parents, a waitress (Melissa Joan Hart) kidnaps a customer (Mario Lopez) and forces him to pretend to be her beau.
 
Grand theft adorable!

A Holiday To Remember
Returning to her South Carolina hometown reunites a recently divorced mother (Connie Selleca) with her first love (Randy Travis)
 
I don’t think America has ever before combined the words “remember” and “Connie Selleca.”

Unlikely Angel
A dead country singer (Dolly Parton) seeks to get into heaven by uniting a troubled family.

She should work on uniting her surgerized face into some semblance of a human female.

Holiday For Love
A grizzled businessman returns to his hometown to shut down their major means of employment, but has a change of heart when they think that he has come to save the factory (starring Michelle Trachtenberg, Melissa Gilbert).

Minus points for the odd use of “grizzled” but plus props for casting a guy seriously named Chris Makepeace. Perhaps Doug Pointsettia and Rick DancerDonnerBlitzen were unavailable.

Special Delivery
When a sandwich delivery boy (Andy Dick) must help out his friend at the adoption agency, he misplaces the family’s baby and must find a way to get the baby returned by Christmas.

Children, let this be a lesson: be good or Andy Dick will “misplace” your family in the East River.