Some of you loudly disagreed with my recent tweet that no man, ever, should wear jean shorts. EVER. So fine, in the interest of scientific proof, here are the only three type of jorts that exists and why you should avoid them at all costs.

1. The Hipster Jort

The only thing worse than a Brooklynite in the winter is a Brooklynite in the summer, when their lack of deodorant/good taste become woefully apparent. Guys, if you want to have sex with someone besides a fat girl wearing a floral romper with some Etsy-esque haircut, you’ll avoid pretty much everything going on in this picture, from the gaylord jorts to the rapey facial hair.

2. The “I’m a Club Promoter” Jort

Notice how the spindly legs protruding out of these things are white. Can’t you just picture these contraptions on a guy who calls himself Vanilla Thunder and has cornrows and a dodgy “soul patch”? These hideous jorts courtesy of the king of hideous, Ed Hardy. I think a dose of roofies come free with each pair you buy.

3. The Pedo-Jort

By all means, wear micro-jorts this summer. But don’t come cryin’ to me when your life ends up as a template for an episode of Law & Order: SVU.