I used to crave a variety of things, from Top Ramen to kale to suntan lotion (to smell, not eat). But over the last few years in New York, all of that desire has been funneled down to a singular, insane, near-constant desire for one thing: Champagne.
I blame this on the ubiquity of events that I go to where passed trays of Champagne is de rigeur. I also blame it on my borderline alcoholism. JK I actually don’t drink that much, mostly because unless I’m at an event, I find every drink fairly unsatisfying.
“Seriously, who doesn’t have Veuve Cliquot in this day and age?!” I’ll fume to the cashier at Madison Square Garden as she shrugs, looking lamely over her Bud Light tap and roasting wieners.
All week, I’ve wanted a glass of bubbly. So imagine my delight when I heard about Flute, quickly doing the math and realizing than $25 x 6 days a week is a great deal to scratch my beverage itch.
Feel free to come join me.
“There are thousands and thousands of people out there leading lives of quiet, screaming desperation, where they work long, hard hours at jobs they hate to enable them to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”
One of my Australian fans doesn’t know if he should confess his feelings to a girl he chats with on Facebook. I give him some help…all in a horrendous adorable Aussie accent. G’day!
My friends and I were talking about how different alcohols effect us in wildly different ways. If Klo and I drink Whiskey we get into a slap fight (all in good fun). This happened before her wedding and she ended up breaking two of my fingers and I gave her a black eye. Unfortunately, if Klo isn’t around I’m inclined to not-in-such-good-fun fight pretty much anyone else.
Tequila and rum make me dance (probably because it reminds me of vacation), Champagne makes me judgy and prissy but wine…well, we all agreed that wine should just be called “crying potion.” Because God forbid any of u get one glass in us (when home, alone, of course) and the tears start.
My friend Katie, who works for a wine company, asked for help naming a new wine aimed at 25 year old girls who are into glammy things like sparkly cell phone covers, lip gloss and air kisses–basically me in a nutshell.
I gave her a slew of ideas, like “LBD,” “Trophy Wife” and “Red Stiletto” but really, I think I’d be the most likely to buy a wine with a more honest name like “Weeping Over Your Ex,” “Facebook Stalking,” “Depressing Beyonce Playlist” or perhaps “I’m Planning a Non-Existent Wedding on Pintrest.”
What would you name a wine if given the chance?
Fighting with friends is infinitely worse than brawling it out with a boyfriend. Dudes come and go, but BFFs are supposed to last…right? Angela doesn’t know if she can–or should–get past a blowout with her bestie. My advice may surprise you…
It’s DANCE SEASON BITCHES!!! My first few school dances were hideous failure that still leaves me with emotional scars. So, I’m hoping to spare you from the same chilling fate…
Sorry I’ve been soooooo MIA you guyzzzz! I went on vacation, etc etc, Miami, blah blah blah rehab.
Anyway! I’m back. As you know, I always say that confidence is the key to attracting your crush. But one fan made a good point: what exactly does being confident look like? Here are some easy ways to make people think you’ve got stellar self esteem…even if you don’t!
As idiotic and clumsy as I am when it comes to love, I actually know a lot about the science behind coupling. Specifically, physical attraction.
 Scarlett as she is (left) and how she'd look if she were perfectly symmetrical |
Beauty isn’t “in the eye of the beholder” and you aren’t “beautiful no matter what they say”–you are beautiful only if you fit into a rather rigid set of parameters including:
- Facial symmetry–almost no one is perfectly symmetrical. But scientists once measured Greta Garbo and declared her symmetrically flawless. You can see why I named my dog after her.
- Glossy lip–reminds men of when, ahem, a lady’s other lips are wet (gross I know)
- Features associated with youth
- shiny long hair
- white teeth
- high cheekbones with flushing high on the apple
Body wise, women should strive for the a .7 waist-to-hip ratio. Tons of famous women have the .7 ratio, from Kate Moss to Jessica Alba to Marilyn Monroe. It doesn’t matter your size or even how busty you are; the golden ratio implies perfect fertility that unconsciously lures men into your clutches.
 Jessica & Kate: skinny but ideal |
The point of all this? I’m a .74 and my new fitness goal is the golden ratio. I’ve calculated that I have to lose about 2 or 3 inches from my waist to be in the zone. I’m kind of at an advantage because my ass is so big.
 Kelly Brook & Shallon: bootylicious and ideal (well, almost, in my case) |
So, if any of you guys have any fitness tips on how to drop inches (without shrinking my butt) please do let me know!
Happy Valentine’s Day, darlings! I get SO many questions from you guys how to go about telling your crush that you have the hots for them. But my advice may surprise you…check it out!
I really, really try to deny my inherent, sorority girl nature to bash other hot females. I do. And usually, I succeed. I love me some Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson and other less-than-waify ladies. Cellulite? Who cares! Short legs? Fine by me!
But this Kate Upton hoopla? You guys have got to be fcking kidding me.
Sports Illustrated cover girl?? With this body?! She’s got some nice boobs, I’ll give her that, but I’ve never seen a more shapeless torso. This chick is 19 for crying out loud, she should be tight, tight, tight! Or at least have a discernible waistline.
Now, the softest part of my body (in a bad way) is my tummy, so I definitely am inclined to cut a love-handled lady some slack. But Kate’s body is just dreadful. Nik Richie (of The Dirty) guesses she has 2 more years in her, tops, before she looks like a hefty bag full of cottage cheese.
I give it 6 months.
- This is the official home of author and blogger Shallon Lester, star of MTV's new reality hit, "Downtown Girls."
Order Shallon's new book, Exes and Ohs - on sale now!
Ask Shallon: What High School Guys Are REALLY Like, As Told By One Direction . http://t.co/xL0ziSsv. #exesandohsMuch needed hang time with @66perristreet & @taylorswift13. Together they can sort out my life.@FaithSimab No! If he knows you like him it doesn't matter how "shy" he is, if he wants you he WILL come get you. Don't do his work for him!Fellow #Justified fans: why is Winona conspicuously absent in the previews for the new season??@Helas12 For love problems email me at [email protected]! xoxo
